


you're my favorite "what if," you're my best "I'll never know"

by smolqueernerds



Category: The Ever Afters Series - Shelby Bach
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, F/F, Hopelessly In Love With Rory Landon Support Group, I'm genuinely sorry E, asexual!homoromantic!Lena
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 07:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6320503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolqueernerds/pseuds/smolqueernerds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Rory,<br/>I think you're in love with Chase, but you don't know it yet, and you definitely don't know he's in love with you. And if you don't know he's in love with you, you won't know I'm in love with you, which is extremely fortunate. (I know I shouldn't call it love, but god, it's been so long, and what else can this really be?)</p>
<p>The companion fic that no one asked for to lulla-lunekjaer's Adelaide-pining-for-Rory fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're my favorite "what if," you're my best "I'll never know"

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [five letters adelaide radcliffe never sent, and one she did](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6137560) by [lulla_lunekjaer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulla_lunekjaer/pseuds/lulla_lunekjaer). 



> This is what I get for listening to "That's Alright" over and over again because it gives me the most intense Rory/Lena feels ever.

Dear Rory, I don't want you to think I'm not glad we're friends.  
Because I am, I am, I am. You're the best person I've ever met. Being around you feels like one of my inventions working on the first try and Jenny saying she's proud of me and Grandma telling me I'm just like my dad with that half smile that means it's a good thing and not precursor to a scolding, all mixed together. You're the first person who's never made fun of me or told me to stop trying so hard, and I know you don't understand me a lot of the time, but you accept me anyway.  
But the thing is, I think I may be infatuated with you.  
It's not love. I'm not going to call it love. Misnaming things gives them a power that they shouldn't have.  
But I've been thinking about how pretty your eyes are and the way it feels when you smile at me and why I asked you if you had a crush on anyone at our sleepover and then lied and told you I liked Kyle. (I was so happy when you said no. And I think that if I liked boys, I would like Kyle, so if I pretend you were asking a very hypothetical question.... no, it was a lie. I'm not going to pretend otherwise. I already feel bad knowing you believed me.)  
I don't want to say I want more, because I've always hated it when people act like romance is somehow ultimately better than friendship.  
I wanted a friend so badly, and then I got you, and now it looks like I'm just as bad as all those people I hate. I am utterly hypocritical.  
I'm going to rip this up and recycle it. 

Dear Rory,  
You never hold my hand. You grab Chase's all the time. I mean, you hug me, which you don't do with him, and comparatively that's more physical contact for me so I guess it should feel like a win, and you only grab onto him when you're running and I'm much faster than either of you so it only makes sense, but- when you hold Chase's hand, it looks like you're each others' lifeline.  
I dreamed about what holding your hand would feel like last night, what our fingers would look like all twined together, and I woke up with my heart beating too fast.  
Gumdrops, if our roles were reversed - you holding my hand but hugging him - I'd probably still feel jealous. I never thought of myself as a jealous person until you came along. Turns out I am, and I do not like it in the slightest.  
Sometimes I tell myself that twist in my stomach when I look at you together is just that little tangle of fear and dislike leftover from when Chase was the biggest bully in EAS, but when he makes a joke that's only to make me laugh and not anyone else at my expense, I can't pretend. I've gotten over that. I haven't gotten over you, though logic dictates that I should within the next few months. I know I'll feel stupid and awkward for a while whenever I look at you, remembering, but it won't be anywhere near as bad as this. I'll work on getting over you, I really will.

Dear Rory,  
Well, that was a failure. 

Dear Rory, I really doubt that you're gay.  
I mean, you're almost definitely not a lesbian. There's a slight probability that you're bi or pan. I've never seen you look at a girl that way. I've never seen you look at anyone that way, really, not even Chase. I think you're in love with Chase, but you don't know it yet, and you definitely don't know he's in love with you. And if you don't know he's in love with you, you can't know I'm in love with you, which is extremely fortunate. (I know I shouldn't call it love, but god, it's been so long, and what else can this really be?)  
Pretty sure Adelaide's also in love with you, by the way.  
I feel like that shouldn't be said as casually as that sounds.  
Rory, Adelaide Radcliffe is possibly even more in love with you than I am, and if you watch her closely enough you can see it destroying her from the inside out.  
I don't think that was much better.  
Maybe fate only picks the extremely attractive and unfairly charismatic. Maybe the magic around a Destined One lends them some extra charm. Maybe Solange had three people in love with her before she turned evil. There's a scary thought.  
The long and short of it is, Chase loves you like you're his salvation, and Adelaide loves you like you're her downfall, and I love you like you're the answer to every question in the universe.

Dear Rory,  
I was reorganizing my closet and I found the place where I hid all my old diaries and grabbed one at random to skim through. So much for a nice walk down memory lane.  
Sorry, past me. The situation doesn't suck any less from there. Even when she's twenty-eight and you're fifteen and her twins are the cutest thing ever and you're welcome in her home anytime but she'll kill you if you're not there for Thanksgiving and Christmas. You're used to it, so used to it, but the yearning will always be there, buried deep down.

Dear Rory,  
Today I forgot how long you've been gone.  
I feel like this should terrify me, but I'm just sort of vaguely saddened.  
Most of my emotions feel sort of vague, these days. Feeling things deeply seems rather pointless.  
I've been writing to you for all these years. Today, I'm going to go to the place where they scattered your ashes, and I'm going to take out this letter and burn it, and those ashes will float down and mingle with any last traces of you. And then, maybe, I'll cry. I haven't cried in a long time, but I haven't forgotten what it's like.  
For the first and last time, Aurora Landon, I'm going to tell you; I l loved you and love you and will always love you more than anyone I have ever known and God, I will never get over you. It's taken me too long to realize that no one ever truly gets over anything, but even if I could get over you, I don't think I would try.  
I wanted to end with something eloquent, possibly a metaphor, but I can't think of anything. You always did have that effect on me.

Yours always, even if you never knew,  
Lena LaMarelle


End file.
